A colleague on a conference call this morning asked me how I was doing today, you know in that kind of “getting started in a meeting kind of way” we ask such things. To her credit, her ears perked up when I replied, “I’m doing quite well, all things considered.” In a world fraught with pain and suffering, in the midst of life’s ups and downs I have come to understand one thing so far; I’m doing quite well, all things considered.
I have made mistakes. I have betrayed dearly loved friends. I’ve lied in the past. I have made bad choices. I have been, all in all, quite human. And I have made positive differences in people’s lives. I have loved dear friends. I have spoken my truth. I have made good choices. I have been, all in all quite human. And I’m only 51, so there’s ample opportunity to make mistakes, and make positive differences in people’s lives still to come! All of this to say, I’m learning not to punish my self too much for mistakes.
I’ve learned that one can view the baggage we carry through life, especially our mistakes, like a backpack. Every now and then, one needs to stop walking and rearrange the back pack because something from inside it, is sticking in your back. One of these sticking points in my backpack is shame. I carry it with me, and as I said in a private correspondence last night, for some mistakes, the associated shame “will mold my life.” Shame, in it’s positive sense helps us to make amends, to make a difference next time, but taken too far, it becomes debilitating. Rather than molding it becomes the central force in one’s life. The rearranging in my backpack has consisted of being accountable for the pain I have caused, feeling guilt and shame for that, and then working very hard within myself to “be ok with that.” I mess up, and I do well; it’s what makes me human. I still feel the guilt and shame, but I don’t let it rule my life, as I know that there is light and dark in each and every one of us.
As leaders it is absolutely vital that we be self-aware. In large part, that self-awareness is about taking the dark parts of us, and examining them, wondering about them, being curious about them. Asking ourselves; why do I do that? what prompts or pulls me in that particular direction? Leadership is a voyage of vulnerability; it requires us to face those dark parts of ourselves, always balanced with the light parts, and working to come to terms with our dark side. It is from within that voyage of vulnerability that we become stronger, more balanced, and wiser leaders. It is out of that journey we might more accurately say, “I’m doing quite well, all things considered.”
May we all find some time for a vulnerable voyage this week.